Codependency and Fear of Success

So many of the messages that we receive in our subconscious as children, can play out in our adult lives with us even noticing. It is said that by the age of 35, we operate through our subconscious mind 90% of the time. This is how it is so easy for us to remain in relationships and friendships that no longer serve us, but they are comfortable and familiar. We stop stepping outside of our comfort zones and this can ultimately lead to us feeling bored and unfulfilled, thinking that there must be more to life.

I know that I have many talents and different things that I am good at and yet for many years when I would begin to make tangible progress I would begin to feel real anxiety and fear that I was not on the right path. I did analyse this feeling at the time, I would just begin to feel bored of the project, challenge or task and eventually stop working on it. I know that I am capable of doing many things but I really had to sit with the reason of why so much fear appeared once I began to make progress.

Growing up I was always praised for my academic achievements. I was always very intelligent in school and aside from sometimes talking too much in class as a teen, I was a good child. I went through the whole school system right through to University, and I held up by my mother as a glowing example. My sister was often asked why she could not be more like me when she misbehaved in school. I have realised that achieving academically is not a problem because I have always been praised for that. Yet starting my own business and continuing to work on it is something that I have always struggled with. And even aside from business I have found it difficult to stick with goals that I set for myself, for example doing more yoga which I really enjoy, or meditation. I know that many people struggle with this, we can just compare the number of people in the gym during January and compare it to the dwindling figures in March.

Throughout my research I have found that toxic parents can sometimes pass the message down to their parents that they can do well, but not too well, they cannot pass their parent. They can make a living for themselves but do not become richer than their parent. Do not show the parent up and make them feel lass than by dwarfing their achievements. When I heard this it really began to make sense. I felt comfortable to do well and stay within my comfort zone and not push the boundaries, and yet when I wanted to delve deeper and move up to the next level, my inner critic would arise and ask what I was doing. I believe that the inner critic is the voice of our parent that we ingested during our early childhood. This is where the feeling of being ‘too big for your boots’, or ‘getting ahead of yourself stems from’.

Its amazing that this inner critic is happy to remain quiet when I am playing it safe but when I commit to something this all changes. For example I really enjoy yoga and I have practised yoga for well over a decade, yet I have never practised to the depths that I want to, or that I am really capable of. When I begin to really dig deep in postures that are uncomfortable and I begin to open up, this is when I will stop, or skip and few days and then eventually lose momentum for a few moths. As many of you know yoga is a physical and spiritual practice and sometimes as we begin to work through energy blocks those old emotions are re- released into the body in order for us to flush them out. This can be very unsettling also because we are faced with emotions that we may not want to feel.

Part of not following through with projects is from the inner critic, but also the brain is primed to keep us away from pain. If in childhood we were given messages that told us to stay within the role that has been carved out for us, and to not challenge the boundaries; the brain will associate pushing boundaries with pain. As an adult we have to become present and identify the what is really triggering our behaviours. Of course sometimes it can just be that we cannot be bothered to follow through on something, but if you notice it becoming a pattern there is usually something behind the behaviour that needs to be investigated. I hope that this helps you on your healing journey.


Published by C J Anonymous

I have started this blog to share my journey through narcissistic abuse and beyond, and to help others who may have been through similar experiences. I also wanted to share the things that have helped me to heal from codependency. As a mother it became of paramount importance to me to ensure that unconscious generational patterns were not passed down to my children. Narcissism and codependency runs through my family of origin, and whilst I have learned that I cannot change the behaviour of others, I know that I can learn and improve myself daily and show up as an example to my children. There is a wealth of information about narcissism and codependency and yet everyone has a unique story to tell. Other's that shared their stories, helped me to see that I was not alone in a toxic family, or an abusive relationship and I did not have to be the victim, I could reclaim my power and change my life around. My hope is to help others who may feel as though they are the victim, suffer from low self-esteem, or believe that someone else has power over them. It can sometimes be a small quote, or one blog post that resonates with someone and starts their healing journey.

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